March 2010 Movie Preview, Part 1
March 5
Alice in Wonderland
What it’s about: In this version of the classic Lewis Carroll tale, Alice apparently goes to Wonderland to wear armor and fight in a big war or something. Because, you know, what’s a story without a battle?
What to expect: What will certainly be the definitive version of the film, since many of the critics of Carroll’s original story said it wasn’t “Beetlejuicy enough.”
Brooklyn’s Finest
What it’s about: An undercover cop who wants out (Don Cheadle), a dirty cop who needs money (Ethan Hawke) and some old cop (Richard Gere) do stuff all up and around and in Brooklyn. Oh, and people shoot in and around elevators.
What to expect: “The Departed,” but, you know, less subtle.
March 12
Green Zone
What it’s about: Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) attempts to end the war in Iraq by finding the Portuguese explorer who first sailed from the Atlantic to the Pacific.
What to expect: Movies in which Matt Damon gets chased around while people in suits yell into phones is pretty much its own franchise now, so you can pretty much predict all the beats.
She’s Out of My League
What it’s about: Some straight up 5 (Jay Baruchel) gets hooked up with a solid 10 (Alice Eve) after he does something nice for her at the airport! How implausible! Luckily, this movie breaks new ground by exploring such a wild burst of unrealistic imagination.
What to expect: Well, you’ve got the term “hot box” and the protagonist prematurely ejaculating in the trailer, so you can only imagine the kind of shit they’re going to be saying and doing in the movie! (A few “fucks” and a maybe a pair of tits or two.)
Remember Me
What it’s about: The “Twilight” vampire and that Australian chick from “LOST” are in love or something. And Remington Steele is pissed about it!
What to expect: A movie about a REBEL! Finally, they made a movie about a fucking rebel and how fucking rebellious he is!
Our Family Wedding
What it’s about: An affront to all humanity (Carlos Mencia) and a high-class black dad (Forest Whitaker) get into a culture clash over some shit and I couldn’t even watch the whole trailer.
What to expect: For the first time in your life, to utter the words, “I can’t believe they couldn’t get George Lopez for this.”
